Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Those who stand next to you

It has been brought to my attention that I only blog sad and depressing things. I don't intentionally do this, it seems I usually only write when I am upset/sad/confused etc. It helps me figure things out in my brain, kind of, or maybe it's just because I think the words can be my sounding board. I am not a good writer and what I end up writing down is only part of what I really want to get across, or it is completely indecipherable. Look, I used a big word. I iz smart. I promise that my next post will be happier, it will be about Alice in Wonderland and that makes me happy, so don't fear.

Today has been a pretty bad day. It's only 11:00 am and I am ready for it to be over. I have that alone feeling. That feeling that everybody that you call your friend won't understand or will not be there for you. See, this is why I don't post things and I keep them to myself. Whiny me. I think friend is an interesting word. It means a lot of different things to people. Lately to me, it's been a hard concept to figure out. Many times in my life I have had all of the friends that were around me decide to not be my friend. And for some reason, I feel like I am on the verge of that again. Recently, I lost one of my best friends, I was there for her during her hard times and now that she is better, I'm not needed anymore. I am always number 3, 4, or 5 on people's lists, or I don't even make it on the list. And if there has to be choice between me and another person, the other person will always most likely beat me out. I don't put up much of fight, I don't yell for attention, I go quietly and step out the back. I understand that people are busy, I understand that things will always be more important than me. I feel like that I form connections with people that are more important to me than to them. Maybe I am just imagining great friends, when they don't really care that much about me to begin with, or maybe if they do care it's not to the extent I think they do. I create this false sense of security for myself and then always end up getting hurt. I know that sometimes you have someone in your life at a certain time, and they were not meant to be there forever, I understand that, I just feel afraid that no one will be able to stick with me 'til the end. Friends forever... "Saying forever is like counting your chips when you are still gambling..." I am very cautious now about who I let into my life because I usually end up getting burned. I've had a lot of hate spewed in my direction, it baffles me. I want to be able to trust in and rely on people, it's hard to do this all alone.

So, what is my point? What is my conclusion? I don't know. Poor sad pathetic little me. This is what I have been thinking about today. I want to thank those of you who have cared about me and who have listened to me, and if you are not there tomorrow, thank you for being here today.

1 comment:

  1. I spent a lot of my life pushing people away from me. I think it was easier to control the pain and hurt when thinks went south.

    Interestingly, I feel like I have more friends now than ever in my life. I have become much more comfortable with who I am.

    I don't know you and won't pretend I do. I know what you give us here on your blog and Twitter. What I know I really like and even if we never meet I will count you as a friend. If you ever need a shoulder mine will be there.